Soooooo, I’ll admit, I’ve been on a bit of a binge lately. I’m not blaming her, but my girlfriend did kinda spark it by showing off the twins on Skype. I took one or two snaps of what was going on, and when I got back later that night and wanted to see the pics again, I might as well have been looking at porn, it honestly got the same response. I tried to shrug off the urges and go to sleep, but insomnia kicked in and I came to a “fuck it” moment where I pretty much said “You know what, I actually enjoy this stuff, and I want to see it again.”
Looking back at it now, all addicts have that thought about any addiction…
That little good-at-the-time thought put me on a binge until this morning. Yesterday I ate nothing until 8PM; I binged and edged the entire day. I felt absolutely rotten by the time I decided to orgasm and have something to eat. I also had a headache and felt horribly uncomfortable in my own skin. Once I had eaten, I felt much better, so guess what happened? Of course…
The funny thing is that I managed to punch this out with all filters enabled on K9 and no means of resetting my password. I won’t mention any sites, but I came across one that basically indexes pictures loaded onto image-hosting sites for bookmarking purposes, and I happened to come across a batch of porno pictures and gif’s. It wasn’t by accident, I was looking for such a website only expecting to find like bikini models and such, and hit the jackpot. I think the hunt for porn made it far more exciting, and once I found my poison I was lost.
I don’t get it, I honestly don’t. I understand that porn takes a hold of you and you want it, but where does my brain disappear to in those moments? Why does the thought of watching porn completely override any reasoning I have to avoid it? I’ve made arguments in the past that learning to dodge porn like the plague must come from within and, in my opinion, porn blockers harm this sort of progress and I strongly feel that any man is above porn and can kick it out of his system, and he must learn to do so in his own way without using blockers. Is it confidence, willpower, or belief in myself that I’m lacking? Why am I OK with spending an entire day, skipping meals and human contact, just so I can indulge in porn? In my mind I know it’s wrong, why it’s wrong, why it hooks me, why I’d want to come back, but then where does that clever brain go when I see some boobs?
I won’t lie, this porn things beats me up and makes me feel like a lesser man. I damn near had 2 months of progress, for the second time in ever, and yet here I am struggling to go a week again. It makes me feel like such a child and incapable of anything, which probably brings me back to the misery of looking at the stuff. After a month’s progress I look at other blogs and posts of people bouncing back and forth between 3 days of progress followed by porn binges like “Ha! Weakling”. Now I’m the “weakling”.
I think a reality check was in order, and I certainly got it. Didn’t think I’d get sucked into day-long binges like I did, and yet here I am. Maybe I wasn’t taking this as seriously as I should have, maybe I became arrogant with progress and figured it was easy. It isn’t. No man is above porn to begin with, and not for a long time, it takes work to get to that point, and avoiding porn is the easy part, it’s the personal growth that has to happen without porn as a comforter. Porn takes away from you exactly what you need to get past it, confidence. You have to grow as a man to get over it, learn self-confidence, become reliant on yourself to push past basic urges and be strong in your mind to know what’s right and wrong, and what to do with yourself. People who engage in porn as much I do don’t respect themselves, it’s clear.
Porn addicts are usually treated with kid-gloves in my experience, that’s it’s “OK” when you relapse and better luck next time, you made good progress, more than last time, etc, etc. I think it’s coming to a point now where I think, for me at least, kid-gloves don’t work. Going back to porn because you feel sad, lonely, horny, depressed, nothing, etc. is all a cop-out. There’s no good reason to, and the only way I allow myself to go back to porn is because, somewhere in that head of mine, something says it’s OK, and that part of my brain is probably OK with my somewhat crappy station in life. And I’m pretty convinced that ‘part’ of me is low self-confidence and respect, and it needs to die. An absolutely bloody, merciless death at the hands of a serious regime change.