Day 3 – Confusion

So, as you know I had a short-lived relapse almost 3 days ago, and since then it’s been, well, interesting. For one, I can honestly say that I feel better. It’s only 3 days in, so I still have plenty of time to wait for side-effects, but in general I can’t say it’s been difficult at all. The maddening depression has disappeared, I’m not in a constant state of gloom, and have actually been doing a lot of work. I’ve noticed before that keeping myself really busy not only helped me with recovery but actually improved my mood for a while, and these past few days have not been short of things to do. My mind has been completely off of porn, haven’t woken up feeling the need like I would after a binge.

I can’t put my finger on whether it was the relapse, seeing friends almost solidly since then or keeping myself busy that’s improved my mood drastically. It was definitely a marked difference straight after the relapse, though, and it’s just gotten better since then. I really don’t know what to make of it, I’d be guessing at this point.

Did, not necessarily the porn viewing, but the orgasm change something? It’s not often that I go beyond a month without release, especially with sex out of the frame at the moment. Not masturbating constantly definitely makes me feel better, but maybe completely abstaining has the reverse effect after a month or so? Is this something I would experience if I wasn’t in porn recovery? As much as I’d like to say keeping myself busy or interacting with friends was the help here, I was having mad depression even though I see my friends at least once every two days, and when I was busy it was only a temporary relief from the depression, it would come back slowly. Is this my brain seeking its favourite medicine, orgasm? Is the growing depression I felt while I was abstaining part of a healing process, and that I must go through, or is abstinence not necessarily a good thing over the long-term? I’m going to be holding off orgasm for about another 3 weeks if all goes well, seeing the girlfriend soon and I don’t trust myself to withhold orgasms once I get there. I’ve considered Karezza, for sure, I just think that having not seen her for a while things could get a bit… hot. So I’m going to be paying close attention to whether I start to get mopey because I’m not busy, or if it’s going to last a while regardless and that it might have something to do with orgasm.

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