I just made a silly mistake on Day 41. I’ve been posting quite a lot about how depro I’ve been over the past 2 weeks or so, and tonight I just couldn’t stand it. I pretty much had an argument with my girlfriend tonight about how miserable I am and how her moving across the country hurt me, and in trying to get to bed at a reasonable time so I can wake up in the morning (as opposed to the afternoon), I couldn’t sleep. My mind was just full of this and that issue and concern, and that has not only been the trigger for porn in the past, but easily the whole reason why I got into porn – I was miserable, and didn’t want to think about. I’ve had two or three nights like this, and tonight was just too much.
Porn lets you not think, and that’s why I slipped tonight. I just didn’t want to worry about everything. I can honestly say I have never felt this miserable in my life. And whether or not it’s because my brain is recovering or because it has recovered and it’s the gravity of just how crappy my situation is, I don’t know. Maybe I’ve never allowed myself to feel sad about things, porn always kept those strong emotions away, and this is the first time I’ve experienced it since I was like 10. And how sad could I possibly have been when I was 10? I can feel the proof right now; everything I was concerned about before I started has magically disappeared and I actually feel better, despite the relapse. I know I’m going to feel depro tomorrow and craving another porn binge, but tonight I kept it (relatively) short and sweet and won’t let myself dive into a full-blown binge. This is the first time I’ve really noticed how using porn basically numbs my depression, and even makes me feel better.
The problem, going forward, is that I know I’m going to have these crappy days again, and I really, really can’t deal with it. It isn’t a general depression, it’s centred around my current station in life. I freelance, and so I spend a lot of time at home, and I can’t stand being home by myself feeling like I have nothing to do and being left alone with all these thoughts. I see my friends at least 2 or 3 times a week at this point, I’m going to gym for an hour 3 times a week, but I still have many hours left in a day where I don’t have work to do and I’m left with thoughts of how I’m not moving on with my life. This relapse won’t help that one bit. I’ve really got stuck in a cycle of negative thought, and I know it doesn’t help, I’m at a point in my life where money seems to be gateway to my happiness, and I’m not earning a lot of it, not at all, and it gets to me. Flights to see my girlfriend are expensive. Moving out my parents’ house would cost (a lot of) money, but would save my sanity (they’re a constant source of anger). Getting my own car paid for costs money. New, not-crappy-looking clothes and shoes cost money. It feels like money means everything at this point, and if I could just find my way I would be happy. I know that’s unrealistic, but it’s hard to see otherwise when it feels like you can’t afford the basics. And as much as I’d love to just suck it in and get a job so I can have a stable source of income, the past 4 years since I left highschool have taught me that I’m truly not suited to the 9-to-5 of being someone else’s tool to riches, that I feel I can make myself. I don’t have any certificates or diplomas to my name, which wouldn’t help me get back into the job-market either. I don’t want to subscribe to that system while I’m still young and have a chance of making my own name out here, but geez if it isn’t difficult.