Day 38 – Cracks Appearing

I’ve been waking up these past few days in the midst of a sexual dream, all involving my girlfriend (a nice change) and in what I’d call normal sexual situations. It’s giving me serious morning wood which I guess is a good sign, but if I don’t have these dreams it’s still dead. Today is Day 13 since my last orgasm, perhaps this idea of a 2-week recovery isn’t that far off. Nice to wake up with a boner, whatever caused it, been a while.

I’d like some input from the guys here, do you find that on the days where you either have a dream/intense fantasy, and don’t engage it for long, you’re miserable for that day? Today I had another pretty mopey day, and I’m starting to wonder if it isn’t linked to having these dreams because it’s possibly a trigger. I rarely ever had sexual dreams while I was on porn, now I have them 4 or 5 times a week, so it was never a trigger in the past, but maybe it’s causing subconscious cravings that are leaving me depressed when they happen.

Last night was interesting. I’m happily committed to my girlfriend, make no mistake, but I was chilling with a few friends last night, and one girl in particular just seemed absolutely alive with signals. I’ve never felt a connection happen that wasn’t verbal, but it was certainly there, unless I’m mad. I was picking up cues here and there, lingering eye contact, laughter, smiles, etc. It was so refreshing, to actually feel a link to another person that wasn’t explicit and obvious. It felt more human. She was probably just being friendly and it’s in her nature, but whatever it was felt good. I wonder what contact with my girlfriend will be like in a month’s time!

I also notice in public settings that I’m not being ignored. I know that sounds strange, but I think porn puts you in a mindset of being unattractive, or apathy really, and you actually don’t see people showing interest in you. Walking around the gym these past few days it’s actually been difficult not to notice wandering eyes from the ladies. And if I make eye contact with someone I can actually engage them, instead of turning into a miserable lump of defeat, got more than few smiles that way.

I posted about 10 days into my recovery that I was noticing a greater depth to music. Well, I’m starting to wonder if this kind of enjoyment is linked to how long it’s been since my last orgasm, since today is Day 13 and, again, I’m starting to appreciate musical depth. Honestly, I’m listening to a progressive house track right now that, if I allowed it to, would easily move me to tears. It’s a beautiful track, it’s the reason I’m posting. Is it possible that orgasm numbs your response to the finer things in life, for the 2 weeks it takes to bounce back from them? If that’s the case I never want one again! It’s such a difficult beauty to describe, something that just makes you feel warm and alive inside. Orgasms are immensely brief and powerful, but leave you feeling empty (har har). I’m starting to appreciate human contact, music and nature much, much more.

In general I’d have to say I’m still feeling pretty down, I’m just having more and more good moments as opposed to consistently “blah” moments. Spending time with friends if definitely good for me, I’m starting to find it easier to laugh with them and take more comedic risks, and spending time with people feels good in itself, having successful interactions with people even if it’s just asking the parents a few questions. I feel more connected to the world.


One thought on “Day 38 – Cracks Appearing

  1. hey man, coldturkeysupreme here.

    As far as I can remember, my mood was not based on whether or not I had morning wood or had a sexual dream. Dont let yourself get caught up with that, or you’ll be dreading every day you wake up wood even if thats not truly causing it. Aka don’t psych yourself out.

    your second to last paragraph is totally relatable man. I just made a post touching on this same subject.

    Also, I produce progressive house. That song is awesome!

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