Day 30 – Possible Chaser

I’m writing this because I honestly don’t know what else to do, and perhaps I’ll come out feeling a little better and with some understanding. I don’t know if it’s because of the post New Year’s blues, or because I couldn’t spend it with my girlfriend, or because of the recovery, but again today I feel completely rotten. I’ve gone in a cycle of listening to music, browsing a few sites, playing a game or two, and once I’m bored I just… sleep. I have nothing to do, don’t feel like seeing anyone, don’t feel like doing anything, so I’ve just been sleeping. Even the sound of music is irritating me, no matter what I play.

Been playing games, and since I’m out of practice compared to how I used to play, I feel pretty useless at times and it is so frustrating playing a game with the mindset of if I’m not winning and getting my ass handed to me, I’m not having fun. Being competitive is just who I am, and it becomes irritating when you’re losing. And in the midst of being angry I sort of come to and realise, I could probably get to the point where I consistently kick serious ass, but that requires a commitment that is truly and utterly pointless, I know from much experience. Games exist in a completely separately realm from the real world, nothing can come from it that benefits your life unless you’re winning million-dollar competitions, but what was the sacrifice to get there? And what good is money to you when you’re spending your waking hours slouched in front of a screen? Considering I can’t really play games just for fun, unless it’s The Sims or something open-ended, I should probably drop them ASAP. I know I probably shouldn’t be playing games at all or aimlessly browsing the net, but honestly, what else is there to do when you feel this way? I now attend gym for an hour three times a week, and I try seeing my friends as often as possible and making a point of trying to see them, but beyond that there are still many other hours in a week that are filled with just plain boredom.

I don’t feel strong enough to commit myself to studying programming, even though I convince myself that “I’ll do some today”. It never happens, but with the time I’ve wasted so far I’d be programming like a boss right now. I’ve really been struggling committing myself to any course of action for years. Gym has been a step in the right direction, and 2 weeks in I’m still keen to go, but I’m worried I won’t feel that way soon and start missing sessions. Maybe out of my recovery I’ll find ways of committing myself to things, but until then it’s really difficult. My enthusiasm for whatever it is just disappears within about 3 weeks.

The other possibility I have for this misery is the forever-awesome chaser effect. Against my better judgement I engaged in phone sex with my girlfriend where we both MO’d. That was almost 5 days ago. I noticed on the second day afterward the same feeling I’m writing about now, but today is markedly much worse and I needed to write it out. So perhaps this is just a really bad chaser, and I have two weeks of this to look forward to – woo! Won’t be doing that again anytime soon. Thinking about it now I’ve always had a chaser effect after masturbating, for the next day I feel really tired and foggy. While I’m masturbating, I know for certain I’ll wake up feeling drowsy and will feel that way for the day. I just didn’t realise it went further than that, stretching on for a week or more. I probably masturbated so much I didn’t realise it wasn’t just a one-day recovery, it’s probably what made me come back to porn and masturbation so often, this miserable feeling. And since I’m not filling the void with porn, my brain is, like a child, holding its breath to get what it wants.

On a more upbeat note, tomorrow will officially be a month free from porn, and if I can keep myself together for the next few days (or however long this fog will last) I can then really appreciate it for what it is – good, honest progress, and halfway to two months (a troublesome point for me). But I have full intention of shooting past two months this time; I can now see that porn buries a better person, even though I don’t feel that way right now.

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