Monthly Archives: January 2012

Easier Said Than Done

Soooooo, I’ll admit, I’ve been on a bit of a binge lately. I’m not blaming her, but my girlfriend did kinda spark it by showing off the twins on Skype. I took one or two snaps of what was going on, and when I got back later that night and wanted to see the pics again, I might as well have been looking at porn, it honestly got the same response. I tried to shrug off the urges and go to sleep, but insomnia kicked in and I came to a “fuck it” moment where I pretty much said “You know what, I actually enjoy this stuff, and I want to see it again.”

Looking back at it now, all addicts have that thought about any addiction… Continue reading

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Day 3 – Confusion

So, as you know I had a short-lived relapse almost 3 days ago, and since then it’s been, well, interesting. For one, I can honestly say that I feel better. It’s only 3 days in, so I still have plenty of time to wait for side-effects, but in general I can’t say it’s been difficult at all. The maddening depression has disappeared, I’m not in a constant state of gloom, and have actually been doing a lot of work. Continue reading

Day 1 – Relapse on Day 41

I just made a silly mistake on Day 41. I’ve been posting quite a lot about how depro I’ve been over the past 2 weeks or so, and tonight I just couldn’t stand it. I pretty much had an argument with my girlfriend tonight about how miserable I am and how her moving across the country hurt me, and in trying to get to bed at a reasonable time so I can wake up in the morning (as opposed to the afternoon), I couldn’t sleep. My mind was just full of this and that issue and concern, and that has not only been the trigger for porn in the past, but easily the whole reason why I got into porn – I was miserable, and didn’t want to think about. I’ve had two or three nights like this, and tonight was just too much. Continue reading

Day 38 – Cracks Appearing

I’ve been waking up these past few days in the midst of a sexual dream, all involving my girlfriend (a nice change) and in what I’d call normal sexual situations. It’s giving me serious morning wood which I guess is a good sign, but if I don’t have these dreams it’s still dead. Today is Day 13 since my last orgasm, perhaps this idea of a 2-week recovery isn’t that far off. Nice to wake up with a boner, whatever caused it, been a while. Continue reading

Day 30 – Possible Chaser

I’m writing this because I honestly don’t know what else to do, and perhaps I’ll come out feeling a little better and with some understanding. I don’t know if it’s because of the post New Year’s blues, or because I couldn’t spend it with my girlfriend, or because of the recovery, but again today I feel completely rotten. I’ve gone in a cycle of listening to music, browsing a few sites, playing a game or two, and once I’m bored I just… sleep. I have nothing to do, don’t feel like seeing anyone, don’t feel like doing anything, so I’ve just been sleeping. Even the sound of music is irritating me, no matter what I play. Continue reading