Been having more and more fantasies these past three days. Especially when I’m trying to sleep, which has been a big trigger in the past and is definitely not helping things.
They seem to be quite evenly split between involving my girlfriend and generic pornstars, but the scenes are always pornographic in nature. It’s difficult trying to think of other things or force the fantasy out of my mind, as they’re leaving behind stronger and stronger feelings of desire and lust. The visuals might not be there in my mind, but the feelings are. They’re very random and intrusive, hopefully I can spot some triggers soon and avoid them. Haven’t caved into masturbation, and strangely enough they don’t give me an erection. Then again, I haven’t had any noticeable erections since I quit.
It always amazes me when I’m rebooting to realise just how much sexually-orientated content there is out there. I think I’m safe browsing forums about cars and such, and yet people’s avatars are of nude women straddling cars, or there’s some link to a raunchy photoshoot on Facebook, the Pirelli calendar, etc. Porn and it’s softer depictions have been heavily infused into what we deem reasonable and normal, and can be found everywhere from straight up porn to ‘harmless’ advertising. I’ve been very good in avoiding all of this stuff, not even clicking it “just to make sure” like my brain keeps telling me, and blocking pictures quickly as I go along so I don’t see them again, but it definitely puts you in that make or break situation. Maybe that’s important, like user singersewing says here:
“God develops the fruit of the Spirit in your life by allowing you to experience circumstances in which you’re tempted to express the exact opposite quality.”
So while it’s damn difficult, it’s important to do anything else except give in, so that you grow stronger.
Exercise has been good, started this past week and honestly look forward to future workouts, makes me feel better in general and enthusiastic about having a better build. I also converted my desk into a standing desk, which has worked miracles on my poor internet browsing habits. Since I’m not comfortable and sitting in a chair, my computer usage has been reduced to stuff I need to do instead of just whatever I want. I’m still getting used to it though, have been having pain in my hips and feet, and I keep wanting to lie down to relax my feet because the pain because a bit distracting after a while, which prevents me from working. But I’ll see how it goes, willing to try it out for at least a month. Here’s why I converted: