Day 12 – On Repeat

It is now Day 12 and the war rages on. In the absence of porn, it seems that I’ve fallen into a constantly repeating routine. Nothing is really engaging me, like I feel detached from what is I’m doing because I’m just trying to pass the time, not actually enjoying any of it. I don’t feel noticeably better or worse than when I started this recovery, I just feel nothing, which I’ve posted about before. I feel adrift. Perhaps that’s worse. 

I know I would be viewing porn right now, and I worry that the longer I go without it the more of a trigger this boredom or just plain lack-of-stuff-I-want-to-do will become. I know I should fill my time with friends, exercise, meditation, productive work, listening to good music, learning something new, etc, etc, I just don’t want to, at all. And that’s not to say I’d rather do anything else.

So I find myself opening and closing the same group of websites constantly. Nothing changes, and yet I’m doing this over and over again every few minutes. Open Facebook, e-mail, forums and motoring, self-help and technological blogs. Close them all. Open them again. Repeat a few times until numb, decide to do something else. Play music, don’t want to listen to anything after a short while. Open and close websites. Decide to play games to pass the time, feel equally numb and disengaged. Stop playing games. Go back to websites. Repeat, forever and ever amen.

I think a big problem is that, since my parents work from home and in a different section of the house, I’m alone. TV here is always terrible to watch, which is pretty much the only other thing I’d leave my room to do, other than to eat or use the loo. There’s nothing that really appeals to me outside of my bedroom, which is where my computer and gaming equipment sit. So I sit in this chair the whole day. And if I don’t really want to do anything on my computer, I’m kind of stuck with staying here anyway because there’s nothing for me outside. So while the stuff actually bores me to tears, it’s all easily accessible and just helps me pass the time.

What irritates me the most is that I’d quite like to learn how to do some decent programming in Java or some other such language (would like to do Android development), and have everything I could possibly need in order to do so. Do I? Of course not. That would be boring, my mind tells me, not the constantly repeating cycle I find myself in. I can’t summon the will and concentration required to go through the stuff, and yet I do this other crap on repeat all day. I could’ve reverse engineered Windows by now!

Is it worth fighting this state of, well, numbness? Is it a part of my recovery? What do I do? Do I wait it out until I can stand on my own two feet and start doing the things I would rather and probably should do, or can I do that already and I just don’t want to admit it? Is determination and willpower even available to me when I’m fighting back an addiction like this?

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