Day 10

Today is Day 10 of my recovery, and so far I’m still going strong. I think it was very important to identify and acknowledge all my triggers that would make me want to view porn, and actively avoid them. Now when the urges hit they feel like an insect in a box that you’re observing within your mind instead of being overcome by desire, but it’s still early days.

My girlfriend of many years has officially moved across the country as of today, and I’m a bit concerned about how it affects my recovery! No one to cuddle, kiss and hold, no intimacy, no physical contact, no lovemaking, nudda. I think I’m heading into very difficult, unknown territory. I wish I had a few months of recovery behind me before she left! We’ll see how things go, we’ll be trying to see each once every 2 months at least.

Other than that, it’s been quite an emotional rollercoaster. Attending a 21st over the weekend, and I’m not sure if it was because everyone and their mother was asking my girlfriend and I how we felt about our soon-to-be long distance relationship, but I felt absolutely terrible. I felt lame trying to talk to anyone, felt like a black sheep, felt like any laughter around me was directed at me and how awkward I looked, and I just couldn’t keep it together. I spent most of the night by myself or trailing my girlfriend, and eventually had to leave because it was beginning to be quite unpleasant. All I wanted to do was go home and be by myself, playing games.

Then, next day, we go to one of her friend’s get-togethers with people I’ve never met, thought I was in for another day of discomfort and awkward silence, and I was fine. Granted, I had one or two drinks, but I was holding my own in conversations and it felt nice interacting with people and joking around and such, and didn’t have any issues projecting my voice like usual. I don’t know if it was the booze, I hope not, but I certainly felt happier interacting with them. And driving back home (much later, don’t worry), I became more aware of natural beauty. It was quite odd, like really taking in the view of the sunset and the smells of summer and such. Whether it was due to my recovery so far or the after-effects of drinks, I don’t care, I really enjoyed what it felt like and look forward to more moments like these.

I’m also starting to notice a greater depth to music. Listening to things like Kings of Leon, there’s so many layers to their songs that I never appreciated before. It’s hard to explain, but it’s like I was listening in mono before and now it’s slowly going full stereo.

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