I was going to wait until I had reached at least Day 7 before I posted again, but felt that I needed to discuss some changes. For one, the register of my voice seems to have dropped noticeably; I’ll be quite interested to see if it stays that way and if it’s related. I’ve also started to have dreams again wherein I’ve relapsed. This, quite honestly, is almost the worst part of all my previously attempted recoveries. You dream that you’ve relapsed, or you’re busy viewing porn or taking part of some pornographic scene, and wake up feeling horrible! You quickly realise it was just a dream, but you’re still left with that feeling of guilt and disappointment, not cool. My temper also seems to be on a short fuse as of late.
Lastly, and worst of all honestly, sex has become quite frustrating. I’m convinced that in the back of my head I want to go back to beating off to porn every evening to subdue this problem so I can actually “enjoy” sex. I think it has to do with constantly expending my sexual energies with porn, and numbing the sensitivity of my penis, but now when I have sex I absolutely struggle with arousal. I barely have to do anything with her, and my arousal shoots ahead of me and I feel like I’m going to ejaculate if I so much as breathe, all within minute/s of starting. Sex before recovery was similar, I had problems with arousal getting ahead of me, but I could maintain it and continue what I was doing, even if it was quite slowly. I would have to stop and start quite often, but we could do this for hours. Now it’s just ridiculous! If I so much as try penetrating, my penis would start throbbing because I would kegel uncontrollably. Just the sensation of initial penetration was enough to take me over the edge. I think this is a major part of my arousal problem, and my readings elsewhere agree, I can’t seem to control the kegels, no matter what I try and do.
Has anybody had similar arousal problems that they’ve managed to control so they can actually enjoy sex without having to pause all the time?