Day 42

Day 42, passed the 1-month mark a while ago! Still a long way to go, but so far so good, and feeling better. Have had a few moments where I unintentionally come across a picture of a lesser-dressed model in some provocative pose and it immediately feels like a punch in the chest, drawing me to indulge and look at porn. Thankfully I’ve ignored it and simply moved away from the PC and onto something else. That feeling, that heat that happens when I see such a picture, seems to be getting stronger the longer I stay away from porn. I really hope stopping porn is like stretching an elastic band away from it that will eventually snap. It gets more and more difficult the further you go, but eventually the tie is broken. That being said, I wouldn’t say I’ve experienced heart-wrenching difficulty in simply standing up and walking away from my PC when I know I’ve been given the urge.

One thing that’s really starting to bug me is that, at least twice a week, I have a dream where I go back to porn. It’s actually quite upsetting, because it feels like a nightmare in that I’m overcome with immense guilt and disappointment that I gave in. I guess it’s a nice feeling to wake up and realise it was only a dream and my progress is intact, but still, I’m dreaming of looking at porn?

Beyond all of this, I am starting to feel a bit different. I have my shit days, I won’t lie, and they can be completely debilitating, but once I’m through them I’ve started noticing a greater connection with people. I feel more apart of a group, that I’m not an observer among my friends, but some part of it. Engaging in conversations, starting them, asking questions about people and how they’re doing, what they’re doing, things like that. I just have more interest and compassion for those around me. I want to communicate, I’m interested in people again. It’s a good feeling.

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