Day 28

Today is Day 28 and, for reasons I hope are related to porn, I feel absolutely terrible. Not motivated to do anything, feel aimless, not enjoying anything that I do, nothing. I feel dead. It’s not like I’ve eaten badly today, or had a lack of sleep either. Anxiety is back to an extent, but not as bad as previously.

On a more positive note, had great sex last night. Wasn’t struggling holding myself back, we just got really into it and, again, great erection. Hope having an orgasm wasn’t what made me feel this way today, but hasn’t seemed that way in the past. I haven’t felt this shit (to be frank) in a while, regardless of sex.

Had a teeny tiny lapse on Saturday. Was channel hopping late at night and came across the regular poorly-made soft porno that always shows at this time on that channel. I was on it for maybe 5 seconds looking at one scene, and just carried on looking for something else to watch. I’m glad I didn’t carry on watching, I’m just not glad that I knew all about what shows on that channel at that time and decided to peek anyway. I won’t count it as a failure, since I very quickly moved on and had no desire to go back.

One thing that I’m starting to notice is a greater appreciation for my girlfriend’s body. I find myself just watching her getting changed and doing her thing, and not in a perverse way at all, I just simply find her beautiful to watch when she’s naked, and really enjoy lying with her both in the nude.

The thing I’m still missing is that immediate lump you get in your throat, if you know what I mean, when someone/something turns you on, and makes you feel hot all over and gives you tunnel vision (or feels like it). Sexual energy, or libido, still seems to be a problem. Erections are occurring more often and easier when my girlfriend is being a bit naughty, instead of the flatline response she got in the past, so progress is definitely happening, just not to the point that I respond to my girlfriend the same way I responded to porn.

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