Day 4

Officially started day 4 of my recovery about 4 hours ago. It’s been OK, haven’t had any moments of wanting to go back to porn for more than a few seconds at a time, I just immediately switch to doing something else, has happened maybe three times so far.

A bigger issue is the onset of quite a nasty bit of anxiety and restlessness. I’m currently unemployed (by choice, just not by wise choice in retrospect) which is probably making things worse, but today in particular I’ve been feeling quite stressed about getting somewhere with my life and not moping around. It’s making me a bit agitated and I find that I don’t actually want to do anything. What I do immediately bores me or puts me off and I end up just switching from one thing to the next in rapid succession without settling on doing some one thing.

This morning I unintentionally started playing with myself, twice. I didn’t get any sort of erection whatsoever, though this is usual if I’m not looking at porn. What bothers me was that there was a small amount of time after I had started where I hadn’t noticed what I was doing yet. My body just goes into autopilot and I start playing with myself, and continue for a bit once I’ve noticed. It feels good, I’m assuming that’s why I do it, but I have no doubt it ties into my porn and masturbation habit, so going to have to keep it under control. The fact that it’s damn near automatic is a bit upsetting.

I think a very large part of slipping back into a porn habit is because of routine. For instance, I know that what usually happens on most mornings is that I wake up, turn on my computer, go through a routine of a checkup on my e-mail, discussion boards and Facebook, check in my downloads from the evening, go to the bathroom, come back, and within a few minutes of internet browsing I have just the smallest thought of looking at porn, and it’s like my mind just goes ‘yeah, sounds good’ and that’s it for what could be the next few hours. Done. I’d delay breakfast until around midday in most cases. All of this because it would be exactly the same the day before and the day after, and I think people are just comfortable with their routines.

So, I’ve embarked on a routine change! I’ve made up a small spreadsheet of things that I’ve been meaning to do, and I’ve broken them down into absolutely tiny, easy, manageable steps. I won’t mention them all, but for instance one of them is to simply clean up ten individual items in my room, whether that means throwing them away, moving them off the floor at least, or storing them away. Another one is to go outside into the sun for just 5 minutes. As each week goes by, I’ll make them progressively “harder” or closer to ideal. Hell, waking up to my alarm and staying awake would be a massive routine change, something I’ve had an issue with for years. I mark down every day where I’ve successfully done the task at hand and make it nice and green. I think this ties into my obsession with spreadsheets, numbers and perfectionism quite well.

I’m going to be moving my PC out of my room and into the open, since I still live with my folks and I think it’s better that I be exposed and not hiding away in my room. Keeping the PC out of my room would help me sleep better at night anyway.

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