Easier Said Than Done

Soooooo, I’ll admit, I’ve been on a bit of a binge lately. I’m not blaming her, but my girlfriend did kinda spark it by showing off the twins on Skype. I took one or two snaps of what was going on, and when I got back later that night and wanted to see the pics again, I might as well have been looking at porn, it honestly got the same response. I tried to shrug off the urges and go to sleep, but insomnia kicked in and I came to a “fuck it” moment where I pretty much said “You know what, I actually enjoy this stuff, and I want to see it again.”

Looking back at it now, all addicts have that thought about any addiction…

Day 3 – Confusion

So, as you know I had a short-lived relapse almost 3 days ago, and since then it’s been, well, interesting. For one, I can honestly say that I feel better. It’s only 3 days in, so I still have plenty of time to wait for side-effects, but in general I can’t say it’s been difficult at all. The maddening depression has disappeared, I’m not in a constant state of gloom, and have actually been doing a lot of work.

Day 1 – Relapse on Day 41

I just made a silly mistake on Day 41. I’ve been posting quite a lot about how depro I’ve been over the past 2 weeks or so, and tonight I just couldn’t stand it. I pretty much had an argument with my girlfriend tonight about how miserable I am and how her moving across the country hurt me, and in trying to get to bed at a reasonable time so I can wake up in the morning (as opposed to the afternoon), I couldn’t sleep. My mind was just full of this and that issue and concern, and that has not only been the trigger for porn in the past, but easily the whole reason why I got into porn – I was miserable, and didn’t want to think about. I’ve had two or three nights like this, and tonight was just too much.

Day 38 – Cracks Appearing

I’ve been waking up these past few days in the midst of a sexual dream, all involving my girlfriend (a nice change) and in what I’d call normal sexual situations. It’s giving me serious morning wood which I guess is a good sign, but if I don’t have these dreams it’s still dead. Today is Day 13 since my last orgasm, perhaps this idea of a 2-week recovery isn’t that far off. Nice to wake up with a boner, whatever caused it, been a while.

Day 30 – Possible Chaser

I’m writing this because I honestly don’t know what else to do, and perhaps I’ll come out feeling a little better and with some understanding. I don’t know if it’s because of the post New Year’s blues, or because I couldn’t spend it with my girlfriend, or because of the recovery, but again today I feel completely rotten. I’ve gone in a cycle of listening to music, browsing a few sites, playing a game or two, and once I’m bored I just… sleep. I have nothing to do, don’t feel like seeing anyone, don’t feel like doing anything, so I’ve just been sleeping. Even the sound of music is irritating me, no matter what I play.

Web Protection Bad for Porn Recovery?

Porn recovery, to me, has a lot more to do with ignoring urges and visual triggers that would normally take you back to porn, and learning how to internalise those urges and move past them. When you use a web filter, you outright block the possibility of accessing porn sites or sexual content (well, 90% of it anyway). This is good in the sense that you severely lessen the possibility of coming across a trigger and going back to porn, but I’m now thinking it’s harmful in that it doesn’t prepare you for facing triggers that you absolutely will come across at home or outside, and denies you many opportunities for growth.

Day 24 – Fantasies

Been having more and more fantasies these past three days. Especially when I’m trying to sleep, which has been a big trigger in the past and is definitely not helping things.

They seem to be quite evenly split between involving my girlfriend and generic pornstars, but the scenes are always pornographic in nature. It’s difficult trying to think of other things or force the fantasy out of my mind, as they’re leaving behind stronger and stronger feelings of desire and lust. The visuals might not be there  in my mind, but the feelings are.

Day 16 – Half Month

A few hours ago I officially passed the half way mark to my first month off of porn. Won’t lie, feels good, I just wish the days would go by a little bit faster! Want to see things like 3 or 4 months behind me!

Day 12 – On Repeat

It is now Day 12 and the war rages on. In the absence of porn, it seems that I’ve fallen into a constantly repeating routine. Nothing is really engaging me, like I feel detached from what is I’m doing because I’m just trying to pass the time, not actually enjoying any of it. I don’t feel noticeably better or worse than when I started this recovery, I just feel nothing, which I’ve posted about before. I feel adrift. Perhaps that’s worse. 

Day 10

Today is Day 10 of my recovery, and so far I’m still going strong. I think it was very important to identify and acknowledge all my triggers that would make me want to view porn, and actively avoid them. Now when the urges hit they feel like an insect in a box that you’re observing within your mind instead of being overcome by desire, but it’s still early days.